My mom passed away in early January. She went peacefully, and painlessly–the very best scenario I could have imagined. In the days leading up to it, nurses and staff knocked on the door to come in and say goodbye. She was a very loved and cared about woman, who’d lived a life of many iterations.
This blog started in the middle of her story, as a way to chronicle our journey in pictures, videos, and words. For me it was a place to think, and to remember, and to process. And now it’s a place for me to record a goodbye.
Sharing the eulogy I wrote, and the video compilation we created to celebrate the life and the legacy of my mom Kathy.
My partner accuses me of being kind. I suppose it might be true sometimes, and other times people would debate it. But I hope in the times it’s true that I’m kind like my mother was.
Life wasn’t easy for her in ways that I think, helped her to see when life wasn’t easy for other people. And especially in those situations she found it important to be kind. To be generous and help others because you can.
During times when her illness was taking hold, she struggled. We didn’t even know what the illness was at first…or when exactly it started. We’d later learn it was early onset dementia. And still later actually specify it as Frontotemporal Dementia.
When we didn’t know what was going on or what to do, friends and family members were generous and kind, trying to help her. For that I will always be deeply, deeply grateful.
And as her disease progressed, something else became very evident, something that was always there, but was thrust into the spotlight…Kathy was very resilient. As she lost the ability to care for herself, to walk, to talk, to remember, it was amazing to watch her adapt, to find new ways to communicate, to depend on the help of others, to express herself. She persevered, and though it was sad to watch, it was also inspiring.
My therapist has taught me about nuanced experiences. That you can and often do feel more than one thing at the same time. This week is a nuanced experience. Saying goodbye to my mom, I have a lot of feelings, but I keep coming back to relief. I’m relieved that she won’t suffer anymore. I’m relieved that she was cared for and cared about by so many people. I’m relieved that my brother and I were with her when she passed. And I’m relieved that she was comfortable and her passing was as quick and pain free as we could make it.
I want to close by sharing a few Kathy-isms. Wisdom that as her children we heard so many times they are just ingrained in us…and have taken on folk wisdom status in our relationships.
No matter how great your outfit is, “It’s not cool to be cold.”
“There are three things you never buy generic—ice cream, toilet paper, and Q-tips.”
“You don’t have to like it to eat it.”
“BFBR—bridges freeze before roads”
“Anything worth doing is worth doing right.”
my mom kathy 