Chaos and Calm

I haven’t written for the last two months because I needed some space.

We have moved into the last phases of this illness, by all the neurologist’s accounts. Mom is losing speech. She is shaky with her balance. She needs help to walk. She needs help to eat.

There is an inevitability that wasn’t here before, or wasn’t here with as much realness. It’s an inevitability of loss that has been magnified because I can see the loss of what is most basic…eating, walking, talking. I’ve needed a little time to personally grapple with it.

What’s here now is chaos and calm. That’s the best way to describe it. There is not what I consider a large middle ground. There is either struggle and difficulty or peace and ease. They are opposites and yet they coexist. And it’s ok. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect only calm. Not with how difficult this disease is to understand and live with. And so what is realistic, and quite frankly probably a blessing, is that the chaos is measured and it is tempered with large reserves of calm.

For example…the chaos of trying to put on sunglassess…the calm afterwards of sitting and rocking on a porch…

6 comments on “Chaos and Calm

  1. Shar Myers says:

    I missed your posts but I had a feeling about what was going on. Your smile in the last couple of pictures was not as deep as it has been in earlier pictures. I know and understand (all too well) what you’re going through. God bless you and know that you and your family are in my prayers. ~Shar

  2. Joan says:

    Matt, this must be incredibly hard for you. You have, indeed, entered a difficult phase. It reminds me of when Henry is aggressive and I think, “Jekyl” has arrived, and then the grace arrives: “Hyde”, like your mom rocking in that rocking chair “somewhat” peacefully (I noticed she was giving that chair a good, hard rock!). She is in there, that is why she is fighting so hard. She has a strength of spirit and knows, on some level, what is happening to her. My heart is with you, my friend.

  3. DebbieWilliams says:

    I have missed your posts. Please know that Kathy and family are in my prayers. God bless you and Joey. May God wrap you three in His arms and give you peace, comfort and discernment!

  4. Molly says:

    I feel for you, Matt. For what it’s worth, rocking chairs calm my chaos too. XO

  5. bobby stuart says:

    thoughts and prayers – peace out

  6. Brad and Donna says:

    Thinking of you all. We know it’s one of the hardest things to go though. Brad’s Dad is about like Kathy. I know it never leaves your mind at peace. We will be saying some prayers for all. Love you

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