Halloween is such a “mom” holiday. There are costumes to assemble which require creativity, ingenuity, and an attention to detail. There are treats to buy, requiring the skill to estimate what is enough to go around without too much left over. There is the need to remain clearheaded about safety in the midst of all the fun and excitement. All perfectly tailored mom jobs that my mom always did for us, and in turn fostered our love for Halloween.

All these years later my brother and I still have a passion for Halloween. (I think he has 10 costumes for his newborn.)

One Halloween job my mom loved was passing out candy. She’d get the largest mixing bowl from the kitchen, fill it with candy, and sit on the front stoop. She talked to every kid who came to the door and asked about their costumes.

I was so happy to get this picture of her passing out candy in the nursing home this year. A little bit of assistance required, but loving it all the same I’m sure!

To successfully manage this journey has in part meant discovering a way to redirect mom that would get her to stop doing something bad or potentially harmful and to start doing something new. The redirects have to work in the moment…stop yelling and start singing. The redirects also tend to expire, so you have to create new ones. Sometimes if you’re lucky, you can recycle one. I was able to dust off “One, two, buckle my shoe” to get her to calm down, stop yelling and focus. Coincidentally, I also used it before going into a meeting at work this week. It worked…I stayed calm. In case you forgot it, here it is…

I couldn’t get mom to look at the camera…

Then when I did she wouldn’t lean back…

So I just had to take the pose to her…

In spite of everything my iPhone can do (and how dependent I am on it for increasingly more and more things) it doesn’t always do what I want, when I want. I made this video three weeks ago when mom and I had a great outing but it wouldn’t upload. I’m finally getting around to doing it from my laptop…

It was a doctor’s appointment day, which means an hour driving in the car each way. Lately it’s a crap shoot as to whether mom is alert and talking or half in and out of sleep when she rides in the car.

Today she was silent the whole way. Well almost. We pulled into Dairy Queen to get milkshakes and “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” came on the radio, and she came alive. She yelled/sang every fourth or fifth word as loud as she could, and of course all perfectly timed to when I lowered the window at the drive thru.

Sometimes all there is to do is to embrace it, laugh and go with it. Here’s a video snippet of the tail end…

Our reality is a strange space. My mom is here, but not really here. And there are times when her not being here is a hole so big you can fall into it.

The day after my niece was born, I took dinner to my brother in the hospital. We sat on a bench by the entrance and remarked at how, for July, it wasn’t too hot, it wasn’t too humid, it was the perfect summer night. While the sun set, he told me about his new daughter and his wife, the whole ordeal as he experienced it, and how everyone had arrived on the other side, exhausted but healthy.

I asked him, “What do you think it would have been like if mom could be here?” It was a question that weighed 200 pounds and I lifted it from somewhere inside my chest and put it in his lap. He paused for a minute and in his characteristically even tone said, “You know, I think about that all the time.”

The truth was we both did. Especially with the baby. My mom took that role so seriously and derived so much meaning from it, that even in her absence, she had so much presence.

For the next half hour we imagined my sister-in-law’s pregnancy and the delivery if my mom had been there. My brother catalogued all the questions he’d wished he could have called to ask her. We laughed at how there would have been no respect for any boundaries or visitation schedules. She would have been at the hospital and that would have been it.

He told me about the memories that came back to him as he was refinishing the old rocking chair that my mom and dad had rocked us in as babies. We created an entire alternate reality of ‘what ifs’ till there was a whole version of a life where mom wasn’t lost.

And after a long pause my brother said, “We have to figure out how to be mom now that she’s gone.” His 200 lbs contribution to the conversation. We talked about what that meant. What was good about her that we had to commit to not losing? What would it mean for two brothers to be maternal, to be mom for each other, and for her grandkids?

And what was there on the bench in front of the hospital is what I think my mom most wanted for the two of us, unquestionable love and connection.

Week 33
day 1 July 28,2013 from 230-530 p. Today we took walk outside, rocked in rocking chair, brush teeth, read daily book readying to her little bit, cleaned fingernails, soaked and cleaned toenails.

Day 2 July 29 from 1030-130 p. Today we took walk, rocked in rocking chair, brush teeth, read daily book, repainted nails blue, played a fishing game, and matched up outfits.

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Day 3 August 1 from 1030-130 p
Today we listened to music, cleaned nails, brush teeth, took walk outside, rocked in rocking chair, and puzzles.

Day 4 August 2 from 3-6 pm. Today we took walk outside, rocked in rocking chair, brush teeth, puzzles, cards, cleaned and clipped fingernails, read daily book, and listened to music.

Week 34-
day 1 August 5 from 1030-230 p. Today we took walk outside, sat on porch little bit, brush teeth, played fishing game, read daily book, curled hair, cleaned nails, and listened to music in activity room

Day 2 August 8 from 11-3 p. Today we took walk outside, sat on porch and rocked on rocking chair, played fishing game, brush teeth, read daily book, went out and looked at flowers, cleaned nails, listened to music, repainted nails pink, and matched up outfits.

Day 3 August 9 from 1030-230 pm. Today we took walk outside, rocked In rocking chair, day on back porch and watched the rain, brush teeth, played cards, played fishing game, read daily book, and wrote some.